Every year for the past seven or eight years, I write an awards show re-cap. I didn't do one this year--did you see the clusterfuck that was the Emmys? I wasn't going to waste my time. Here, though, is a snippet of something I wrote a year ago. I'm gonna take a stab and guess that it was around the time of some big sporting event....
Hey, Hey!
First off, the Bears fight song is STAYING PUT til AFTER they win the Super Bowl, so I don't care if you're sick of lookin' at it, but it's staying put..and you're lookin' at it. Really, I'm doing you, as a resident of the Land 'o Lincoln, a public service. Do you really want to be that person at the party or bar, who, when the fight song comes on, mouthing the words to "Happy Birthday" to make it look as if you have a clue?? Do ya? Do ya? Didn't think so…For those of you outside of Bear country, well, I don't know what to tell ya. I think you should have to memorize the fight song as punishment for having an inferior football team :) Oh no she di'nt!
Alright, enough of that. So I've been hounded about where my Golden Globes/SAG recaps have been. Hounded, I tell ya! Now I know how Suri Cruise feels, sitting up there in her spaceship, trying to beat off all the papparazzi. I have not forgotten that it's "Christmas time with movie stars". Up until now, they've been pretty uneventful. All the big acting prizes have been won by the folks who I think should win. Two of my favorite tv shows each won the top prize at the GGs and SAGs. The only way the awards shows could make me any happier is if they finally honored my request to hold their ceremonies in my living room. Just some general gripes and shout-outs:
A) Forrest Whitaker: My man, Forrest. I am begging you---PUT PEN TO PAPER AND WRITE AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH! Hold up a cue card with the words "thank you" written in ginormous letters; learn an acceptance speech in sign-language so you don't have to speak; charade-it out; spell out the words using your body, I don't care, but SAY something and QUICK
B) Ellen Pompeo: She begins her acceptance speech with, "I'd like to thank all the actors who aren't up here who are part of our ensemble". Chirp. Chirp. You know what, dumb-a**, know all those people's names instead of having us guess, because what happens is you end up listing someone who is a principle cast member who is standing right behind you; you neglect to mention your h*m*phobic co-star who's in rehab trying to have the giant chip that is on his shoulder removed with a fork-lift; and you then seek out help from your clueless castmates, thereby sucking up more camera time and forcing us to look at your outfit, which, if I'm not mistaken, we saw in Superman 1, worn by Superman's mother
C) Emilio Estevez: Um, your movie sucks and the reason why you have "so many big names" is because no one else wants them
D) Salman Hayek: Who knew the color white could make jugs look BIGGER
E) Warren Beatty: The HFP decides to honor one of Hollywood's biggest p*** chasers. The "nostalgia reel" for his lifetime achievement award was like watching a video "little black book"…ick
F) Heather Graham: When you refer to your Versace shoes as ,"they're like str*pper shoes" (and, yes, she should've been dangling from a pole with those shoes), is that REALLY, TRULY the best description you want for your shoes? I mean, of the labyrinth of an adjective world we live in, you pick the shoes whose description only makes us think of someone from "Taxicab Confessions"?
G) John Krasinski (aka Jim from The Office): I heart him loads! Yes, I'd like a tall cup of a Krasinski-ccino! He's Krasinski-tabulous! I'm Krasi-in-ski for Jim! One of my friends' husbands is good friends with him (invited him to their wedding). So, it's almost like we're married. For our wedding, he can give me a mug that says "World's Greatest Wife" ………………………What?
H) Megan Mullaly: I'm sorry, did I go back in time? Is Will&Grace still on? Hey, about this--why don't we nominate Ted Danson for his role in "Cheers"? Or maybe JJ from "Good Times"? Why stop there. How about the cast of "What's Happening" for best ensemble? Maybe those "Lost in Space" folks could chalk out some time for us
I) America Ferraira: I'm adding her to my "famous best friends" list(these are the people,who, when I become famous and I'm all lonely cuz I've ditched all you losers, I'd hang out with--and then we'd spend our time stalking John Krasinski and shoving Paris, Lindsay and Nicole's heads in a toilet) , because she is just a class act. She joins other distinguished folks such as the actress from "Bones"; Kevin from "Wonder Years"(I think it'd be cool to have a friend who heard voices in a good way); Gilmore Girl senior; Sawyer, Hurley, and Jack from "Lost" ; the really hot deaf British actor I just saw in a BBC America tv movie(I could become a sign-language master and together, we'd rule the world of charades)
J) Jessica Biel: Okay, if SHE can be a presenter, than I get a crack at it! Even though she's been in more movies than me (and I think you all know how man movies I've been in), we hold about the same amount as clout
On to the Oscars! Go Bears!
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